Why we love Ashley

Reason #68:

During the winter, she slips on ice every day and has only totally eaten it once. Hello bruised palms, knees and ego!

She needs some of these.

Crafty Craft Craft

I began working at Hallmark when I was 16. That made me a crazy person about Christmas decor. I bought everything. I had nothing to decorate until recently which lead to me having many, many boxes of Christmas stuff.

One of the many years that I worked at Hallmark, I decided that I wanted a tree with only gold, silver and bronze ornaments.

Today I decided that I didn't want to do that but what to do with the boxes and boxes of gold, silver and bronze ornaments? Make a super awesome wreath, that's what.

I wish I could take all the credit for it but I saw this wreath on this blog. She got the idea and instructions from this blog.

Yippee Team Awesome!

A Thing About Laundry

Let's take at look at my homemaking skills or lack thereof.

I washed towels today. Because I'm not one to waste water, I thought "Lets throw these rugs in there too. What could it hurt?"

Well, if you like your white towels and rags WHITE, doing this hurts a lot.

Here's the before (no I didn't take an actual "before" picture. This is another set that used to be exactly the same.):

And, here's the after:



Note to self: Don't wash rugs and towels together ever again.

After the Date

BAD.

The End.

Before the Date Update

Get this.

He just asked me to drive.

Do you see the smoke? This date is ready to burst into a fiery ball of ugliness.

How delicious.

Before the Date

I've been trying to think of something interesting to write about for days and I realized that anything interesting that happens to me revolves around the kids I teach. While I am not saying that I don't want or like being off track, I do know that I'm very boring without the 25 twelve-year-olds that I spend so much time with.

So let's just talk about the issues of the day.

About a week ago, I told you about T., the boy from church. Turns out even though I was a crazy person, he still wants to "get to know" me. Whatever. I gave him my phone number which turned into a crazy mess. He's sending me all kinds of texts. The most vomit inducing of which included the phrase "are you interested?" What?! Umm...I don't know you. You seem nice but all these texts are freaking me out so how about we'll go out (because everyone deserves a first date) and then I'll let you know.

We're going out tonight. We'll see how it goes.

Seriously, what is the deal? Do I just attract needy people or are all boys really needy?

Dear Santa

I need a desk.

Don't believe me? This is where I work on my computer right now.

My back hurts from sitting so long on the floor. Please save me from chronic back pain.

Love,

Ash J.

Guess What!

I have internet.

I know...you're jealous.

Ok, probably not but I'm pretty excited.

Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

Normally I am very fond of anything you produce.

Today I am not. I hate you and I hate this blasted snow. It took me over an hour to travel 2 and a half miles today.

Now, I know that most of the hold up was not because of the snow that you so graciously dumped on us last night and into this morning. Most of the hold up was due to the fact that people are idiots and they drive like they don't know snow is slippery. Maybe we could work together to let people know that even if you have an SUV with 4 wheel drive and snow tires they still can't drive normal speeds on the freeway.

All I'm asking is that next time it snows, please make it be after morning rush hour and before evening rush hour. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Your Very Frustrated and Soggy Amiga,

Ash J.

Couples

I'm extremely annoyed by couples, especially all those couples that like to throw their lovey-dovey goo fest in everyone's face.

Top 10 things that annoy me about couples:

10: Matching outfits. Really? Is your life a girls'-choice high school dance? Were those sweaters buy one get one free?




9: Pet names. Ugh! Snookums was given a name for a reason and unless his parents were on crack when he was born, his name is not Snookums.

8: Conjoined couple names: This sort of goes along with the pet name deal but it's slightly different. If you're famous, sure; if you're my neighbor, don't even think about it. Maybe your argument is "It saves us time to introduce us as Bekert (Becky and Robert)." No it doesn't. Once you say "Hi, we're Bekert," people look at you like you're an alien so you have to take 5 minutes on how cute it is and how it shows that you are "so close" and "basically one person" and "your brains are about the size of one person so why not have one name...blah...We're cool."

7: This:

The option that this was even on the Internet makes me want to puke. First, how old are you? Second, that is a very private kiss happening in a VERY public place. Third, ewwwwwwww. No one wants to see that...ever. (As a side note...isn't the word snogging so much cooler than the American "making out"? I'm going to begin using it all the time.)


6: Couples (specifically the ladies) who give me the sad face because I'm single and then insist on setting me up with every lame, fat, or socially awkward really nice guy within a 100 mile radius: Really, I'm fine, but I do enjoy free dinner so keep setting me up with those winners, really, free dinner and maybe a movie. I don't care that the best thing he has going for him is that he's lame, fat, or socially awkward really nice as long as he buys me something nice.


5: "We"-ers: "Did you have fun at the party last night?" "Yep, we had a great time. We ate chicken fingers and cheese. Then we went home and we went to the bathroom. Our stomach gets grumbly if we eat dairy." What? You have one stomach between the two of you?



4: Feeding Each Other: This is never necessary unless you're dating a toddler and if that is the case, you are a creep.

3: Inside jokes: I'm sure it's funny to you and I know you're so in love and this just shows me how much more in love you are than I am (I get it. Zero is less than every positive number so any love is more than no love. You learn that in kindergarten. No need to rub it in my face.). Beside that fact, it's just annoying when I don't understand something that is super funny. So stop.

2: Matching Tatoos: Statistics show that if you do this, you will break up. I hear lazer tattoo removal is painful. Make sure you think this one through.

1: PDA. The fact that you are standing so close to each other in line you look like Siamese twins indicates that you are, in fact, a couple. There is no need for you to make tiger noises and scratch his belly. Nor is there any reason for you to grab her butt. And really, there are plenty of seats here. You can each have one.

So Pretty

At least until January 4th. Wahoo for being off track again!

Goal Accomplished

Well, I've made my goal...no swine flu this on track session.

Go me.

Way to wash my hands.

Stars

I read this on my friend Casey's blog. I thought it was great so I reposted it here.

Stars
by Freya Manfred

What matters most? It's a foolish question because I'm hanging on, just like you. No, I'm past hanging on. It's after midnight and I'm falling toward four a.m., the best time for ghosts, terror, and lost hopes.

No one says anything of significance to me. I don't care if the President's a two year old, and the Vice President's four. I don't care if you're cashing in your stocks or building homes for the homeless.

I was a caring person. I would make soup and grow you many flowers. I would enter your world, my hands open to catch your tears, my lips on your lips in case we both went deaf and blind.

But I don't care about your birthday, or Christmas, or lover's lane, or even you, not as much as I pretend. Ah, I was about to say,

"I don't care about the stars" -- but I had to stop my pen.
Sometimes, out in the silent black Wisconsin countryside
I glance up and see everything that's not on earth, glowing, pulsing, each star so close to the next and yet so far away.

Oh, the stars. In lines and curves, with fainter, more mysterious designs beyond, and again, beyond. The longer I look, the more I see, and the more I see, the deeper the universe grows.

I have a long way to go, and I'm starting now --
out in the silent black Wisconsin countryside.


"Stars" by Freya Manfred, from Swimming with a Hundred Year Old Snapping Turtle. © Red Dragonfly Press, 2008

December Videos

I haven't done this in so long but my sister showed me this guy and we watched every one of his videos (there are 49 of them). It was awesomely funny.