Couples

I'm extremely annoyed by couples, especially all those couples that like to throw their lovey-dovey goo fest in everyone's face.

Top 10 things that annoy me about couples:

10: Matching outfits. Really? Is your life a girls'-choice high school dance? Were those sweaters buy one get one free?




9: Pet names. Ugh! Snookums was given a name for a reason and unless his parents were on crack when he was born, his name is not Snookums.

8: Conjoined couple names: This sort of goes along with the pet name deal but it's slightly different. If you're famous, sure; if you're my neighbor, don't even think about it. Maybe your argument is "It saves us time to introduce us as Bekert (Becky and Robert)." No it doesn't. Once you say "Hi, we're Bekert," people look at you like you're an alien so you have to take 5 minutes on how cute it is and how it shows that you are "so close" and "basically one person" and "your brains are about the size of one person so why not have one name...blah...We're cool."

7: This:

The option that this was even on the Internet makes me want to puke. First, how old are you? Second, that is a very private kiss happening in a VERY public place. Third, ewwwwwwww. No one wants to see that...ever. (As a side note...isn't the word snogging so much cooler than the American "making out"? I'm going to begin using it all the time.)


6: Couples (specifically the ladies) who give me the sad face because I'm single and then insist on setting me up with every lame, fat, or socially awkward really nice guy within a 100 mile radius: Really, I'm fine, but I do enjoy free dinner so keep setting me up with those winners, really, free dinner and maybe a movie. I don't care that the best thing he has going for him is that he's lame, fat, or socially awkward really nice as long as he buys me something nice.


5: "We"-ers: "Did you have fun at the party last night?" "Yep, we had a great time. We ate chicken fingers and cheese. Then we went home and we went to the bathroom. Our stomach gets grumbly if we eat dairy." What? You have one stomach between the two of you?



4: Feeding Each Other: This is never necessary unless you're dating a toddler and if that is the case, you are a creep.

3: Inside jokes: I'm sure it's funny to you and I know you're so in love and this just shows me how much more in love you are than I am (I get it. Zero is less than every positive number so any love is more than no love. You learn that in kindergarten. No need to rub it in my face.). Beside that fact, it's just annoying when I don't understand something that is super funny. So stop.

2: Matching Tatoos: Statistics show that if you do this, you will break up. I hear lazer tattoo removal is painful. Make sure you think this one through.

1: PDA. The fact that you are standing so close to each other in line you look like Siamese twins indicates that you are, in fact, a couple. There is no need for you to make tiger noises and scratch his belly. Nor is there any reason for you to grab her butt. And really, there are plenty of seats here. You can each have one.